Loving your stepkids - not a necessity

Many people have asked me if I love my stepchildren. I can honestly say that no, I do not. I care for them, respect them, show them kindness and have nothing but hope for their future but no, I do not love them. I love my spouse and accept his children as part of our blended family. But love? I have searched my soul but cannot find that emotion in there towards my stepchildren. I simply do not function that way.

Am I evil as a result? Certainly not, in fact I fall into the norm. Most stepparents, whether they choose to admit this or not, do not feel true love for their stepkids. This is quite common and does not mean you are a green-headed monster. Loving someone doesn't happen overnight. In fact, you may never love another person regardless of your role in their lives. Respecting them is far more crucial and important.

When should a lack of love be considered a warning sign? When we realize that our feelings have become tainted as a result of our anger, sadness or pain towards the children's bio parent. Many stepparents look at their stepchildren and see their spouse's ex staring back at them... and depending on the situation, that is usually not a good thing.

Don't fall into the trap of letting your emotions towards others govern the way you treat your stepchildren. Try and compartmentalize that aspect of your life as much as possible. Don't let the two blend together. These children are not to blame for what has happened in your life. Your decision to sign up for this role was yours to make, and yours alone. If you cannot see past your upset towards the bio-parent then you have to look inward for the answers. If you feel that your lack of love for your stepchildren is actually turning into distaste then you need to take action. I recommend individual counselling first to weed out your personal challenges and then, if needed, family counselling to learn how to get you all back on track.

After reading this, do you sit back and say "No, I don't detest them. No, I don't mistreat them. No, I don't harbor resent towards the bio-parent. I just don't love them. What is wrong with me?" I can answer that for you - NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. Just accept your life as it is, right now, in this moment and move forward. Let the guilt go. Love yourself. Be happy.